Neuronote #3

For my third neuronote I decided to write about my father and how what he went through altered who I became. So, I guess to start we will go all the way back to 1994, when my parents decided to separate and get a divorce. I was two years old so I’ve never had much recollection of why or what exactly it was like. My brother and I began spending weekends with my dad and he remained very active in our lives, but when I was about 9 years old that slowly began to change. In 2001, my dad had his first stroke at the age of 40. He was released from the hospital like within a week with no permeant damage anywhere in his body, basically he got really lucky. He was sent home and put on multiple medications with instructions what he could and could not do while taking them. Well, if you can guess, this probably isn’t the part where everything got better. My dad had a very good job and overall a decent life, however the man just did not take care of himself. He drank a lot, he smoked a pack of cigs a day and his diet was awful. He was told he couldn’t drink or smoke with his medications after his first mini stroke, but once again as you can guess he continued to do both. Within a year my father had his 2^nd stroke on the left side of his brain which caused paralysis straight down the midline of his body impairing everything to the right side. I was 10 maybe 11 at this point, and from that point on I didn’t truly have a father son relationship ever again. My dad’s life was forever changed that day and never got much better.

My dad was not the nicest person you’ve ever met so you can assume he was nowhere near an ideal patient at any point of his life. At a young age, I watched my father go from normal to completely dependent on others. And like I said if you could just know him as a person you could actually understand how after that second stroke you could almost feel that he would never fully recover because he didn’t have the motivation or will power to rely on others or to just let others help, his mental state was never the same and he was never able to cope with depending on someone else, just wasn’t in his blood. I remember as a kid sometimes going to OT and PT with him and I always felt so bad for the therapists, because my dad was such a pain 99% of the time to these people. However, one good thing that came out of his therapy was my introduction to the field of occupational therapy. As I got older and more mature many of the reasons I wanted to be an OT I learned stimmed from watching him as a patient.

My father had 4 full on strokes over the past 13 years and at least 3 more transient ischemic attacks (mini strokes). One of the hardest parts about watching all of this occur as I grew up, was any and every time he seemed to make any progress we would have another stroke and be set back to where he was a in the previous months. All throughout high school and my undergraduate career I struggled with not being able to help my dad and not being able to do anything for him. To watch someone you love give up hope and stop fighting has been one of the hardest things that I have ever experienced in my life. Over the past 10 years very few things actually made my father laugh or smile. Over the past 5 to 6 years I started noticing his memory slowly just come and go, he had horrible mood swings, and it almost seemed that his personality and mind in general was just fading away. In 2015, my father was found underneath his trailer-home in 106-degree heat on a summer day in Louisiana. His neighbor called 911 and once the fire department got him out he swore to them he fell through a hole in his bedroom… not to mention he had been underneath the trailer over 28 hours. Needless to say there was no hole anywhere inside. This was kind of the last time my dad was any part of his true and old self. He was then forced into a healthcare facility, basically his rights as a human being  to make his own decisions was legally taken away, which I knew was for the best. He on the other hand was not pleased at all, we had tried for years to get him in somewhere and he would never even hear the thought of it. So, I knew even though this was the best thing for him I felt that he would no longer ever feel truly happy again.

My father passed away on my birthday last year November 11^th, 2016, right before we began this program. My mom called me and I don’t know how to explain it but I just knew, I knew exactly what she was going to tell me before she even said hello, I seriously don’t know how to explain that nor do I really care to because I felt it, I lived it. In all honesty, regardless of what this makes you think about me, the first emotions to hit me were relief and joy, he could finally be at peace finally no longer in pain. As it set in the saddest and hurt of course came, at this point it had been three years since the last time I had even been able to see him and I was heading down to visit before we started school in January so I felt much regret and sorrow for never getting to say goodbye. As I said I struggled my entire childhood not being able to help or make my father better and the older I got the more guilt I felt. I now know that I filled my role in the situation the best I could. I believe everything happens for a reason, I might not understand what controls all that but I do believe 100% that it’s true. I am now in Occupational therapy school, I one day will be working with clients and their families who are going through exactly what my dad went through. Our relationship was completely altered and never reached what I know it would have if he had never suffered from a stroke, my goal is not only to help with rehabbing stroke patients but doing everything possible for their families and loved ones. I missed out of so much with my dad and because of that I can PROMISE you that I will be the best dad in the entire world and the thought of being a father probably bring me more joy that anything else involved with my future, once again everything happens for a reason. I have no ill-will towards my father, he lived his life the way he chose to and he had to deal with the consequences of an unhealthy lifestyle. I am who I am today because of everything that came before, and there isn’t a single thing I would change. Sure, I wish I had the perfect father son relationship like some people do, however I was blessed with one of the most wonderful mothers in the world who filled both roles. If I hadn’t experienced these things I did the way I did would I be in OT school? Would I have the heart that I have? Would I care so so much about my role as a father one day? I have no idea the answer, but I do know I don’t need the answer to those questions because I know I’m all of those things now thanks to those experiences. Some may look at is if my father failed me and in some ways maybe, but my dad gave me the gift of realizing who I wanted to be, what I wanted to be, and from my first day working as an OT to the last client I ever treat my father will be deserving of some of the credit. He also was able to show me at a young age as I watched him suffer and struggle that everyone truly truly does deserve to live life to the fullest, not long from now I can finally show and help others see and understand this as their occupational therapist! Thanks Dad…..