For my third neuronote I decided to
write about my father and how what he went through altered who I became. So, I guess
to start we will go all the way back to 1994, when my parents decided to separate
and get a divorce. I was two years old so I’ve never had much recollection of
why or what exactly it was like. My brother and I began spending weekends with
my dad and he remained very active in our lives, but when I was about 9 years
old that slowly began to change. In 2001, my dad had his first stroke at the
age of 40. He was released from the hospital like within a week with no
permeant damage anywhere in his body, basically he got really lucky. He was
sent home and put on multiple medications with instructions what he could and
could not do while taking them. Well, if you can guess, this probably isn’t the
part where everything got better. My dad had a very good job and overall a
decent life, however the man just did not take care of himself. He drank a lot,
he smoked a pack of cigs a day and his diet was awful. He was told he couldn’t drink
or smoke with his medications after his first mini stroke, but once again as
you can guess he continued to do both. Within a year my father had his 2nd
stroke on the left side of his brain which caused paralysis straight down the
midline of his body impairing everything to the right side. I was 10 maybe 11
at this point, and from that point on I didn’t truly have a father son relationship
ever again. My dad’s life was forever changed that day and never got much
better.
My dad was not the nicest person you’ve
ever met so you can assume he was nowhere near an ideal patient at any point of
his life. At a young age, I watched my father go from normal to completely dependent
on others. And like I said if you could just know him as a person you could actually
understand how after that second stroke you could almost feel that he would
never fully recover because he didn’t have the motivation or will power to rely
on others or to just let others help, his mental state was never the same and
he was never able to cope with depending on someone else, just wasn’t in his
blood. I remember as a kid sometimes going to OT and PT with him and I always
felt so bad for the therapists, because my dad was such a pain 99% of the time
to these people. However, one good thing that came out of his therapy was my
introduction to the field of occupational therapy. As I got older and more
mature many of the reasons I wanted to be an OT I learned stimmed from watching
him as a patient.
My father had 4 full on strokes over
the past 13 years and at least 3 more transient ischemic attacks (mini
strokes). One of the hardest parts about watching all of this occur as I grew
up, was any and every time he seemed to make any progress we would have another
stroke and be set back to where he was a in the previous months. All throughout
high school and my undergraduate career I struggled with not being able to help
my dad and not being able to do anything for him. To watch someone you love
give up hope and stop fighting has been one of the hardest things that I have
ever experienced in my life. Over the past 10 years very few things actually
made my father laugh or smile. Over the past 5 to 6 years I started noticing
his memory slowly just come and go, he had horrible mood swings, and it almost
seemed that his personality and mind in general was just fading away. In 2015,
my father was found underneath his trailer-home in 106-degree heat on a summer
day in Louisiana. His neighbor called 911 and once the fire department got him
out he swore to them he fell through a hole in his bedroom… not to mention he
had been underneath the trailer over 28 hours. Needless to say there was no
hole anywhere inside. This was kind of the last time my dad was any part of his
true and old self. He was then forced into a healthcare facility, basically his
rights as a human being to make his own
decisions was legally taken away, which I knew was for the best. He on the
other hand was not pleased at all, we had tried for years to get him in
somewhere and he would never even hear the thought of it. So, I knew even
though this was the best thing for him I felt that he would no longer ever feel
truly happy again.
My father passed away on my
birthday last year November 11th, 2016, right before we began this
program. My mom called me and I don’t know how to explain it but I just knew, I
knew exactly what she was going to tell me before she even said hello, I seriously
don’t know how to explain that nor do I really care to because I felt it, I
lived it. In all honesty, regardless of what this makes you think about me, the
first emotions to hit me were relief and joy, he could finally be at peace
finally no longer in pain. As it set in the saddest and hurt of course came, at
this point it had been three years since the last time I had even been able to
see him and I was heading down to visit before we started school in January so I
felt much regret and sorrow for never getting to say goodbye. As I said I struggled
my entire childhood not being able to help or make my father better and the
older I got the more guilt I felt. I now know that I filled my role in the
situation the best I could. I believe everything happens for a reason, I might
not understand what controls all that but I do believe 100% that it’s true. I
am now in Occupational therapy school, I one day will be working with clients
and their families who are going through exactly what my dad went through. Our
relationship was completely altered and never reached what I know it would have
if he had never suffered from a stroke, my goal is not only to help with
rehabbing stroke patients but doing everything possible for their families and
loved ones. I missed out of so much with my dad and because of that I can
PROMISE you that I will be the best dad in the entire world and the thought of
being a father probably bring me more joy that anything else involved with my
future, once again everything happens for a reason. I have no ill-will towards
my father, he lived his life the way he chose to and he had to deal with the
consequences of an unhealthy lifestyle. I am who I am today because of
everything that came before, and there isn’t a single thing I would change. Sure,
I wish I had the perfect father son relationship like some people do, however I
was blessed with one of the most wonderful mothers in the world who filled both
roles. If I hadn’t experienced these things I did the way I did would I be in
OT school? Would I have the heart that I have? Would I care so so much about my
role as a father one day? I have no idea the answer, but I do know I don’t need
the answer to those questions because I know I’m all of those things now thanks
to those experiences. Some may look at is if my father failed me and in some
ways maybe, but my dad gave me the gift of realizing who I wanted to be, what I
wanted to be, and from my first day working as an OT to the last client I ever
treat my father will be deserving of some of the credit. He also was able to
show me at a young age as I watched him suffer and struggle that everyone truly
truly does deserve to live life to the fullest, not long from now I can finally
show and help others see and understand this as their occupational therapist!
Thanks Dad…..
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